Don't trust a hoe, never trust a hoe

Hi. So you may be saying "what the French toast is up with that title?" (ps im trying to clean up my potty mouth, so fully expect to see weird sayings such as the one above a lot now...and yes I'm pulling many of them from orbit commercials. Because their slogan is exactly what I wanna do...clean up my 'dutty mouth'--with a British accent. This also may go down as the longest parenthesized chunk of words, ever. And I also may or may not have jus made up the word 'parenthesized'. I'm not sure.) ...anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, the title. Well today I was thinking random thoughts...as I am 96.8% of the time (or more), and started thinking about weird things people do that I don't like. So this somehow got twisted into my head as people I dont trust. It all started with the idea of wearing socks to bed. If you do this, I don't trust you. It's as simple as that. You may be the most honest and trustworthy person in the world, but I mean, you wear socks to bed so lets just keep it real here...you're weird and can't be trusted. So then I thought I could spin all this into one cluster fudge (no profanity) of a blog & just roll with t. But of course I needed an appropriate title so that song instantly came to my head...and here we are. I can't remember the name but I think it also mentions Helen Keller, which is amazing, so I had to keep it. But you really shouldn't ever trust a hoe. You'll only end up with a broken heart, 18 years of child support, or chlamydia. (gah that word is just nasty enough). So yeah, don't trust hoes.

On to the next, on on to the next one(s):
-people who drink raspberry tea
-people who wear aerosol spray deodorant. (wtf is that?! Its like you're hairspray-ing your armpits. Weirdo )
-people who drive under the speed limit (obvious reasons. I think I've made myself very clear on my road rules)
-women who wear lip liner
-people who are over the age of 21 & have initials (specifically the Curlz font) on their back windshield
-men who drive minivans, with or without their wives & kids (grow a pair & get an suv you poonanny)
-people who eat brussel sprouts, beets, &/or liver...and claim to like it
-people who dry every piece of clothing they own (not proper clothing care people!)
-eskihoes
-foreigners who know English but speak really fast & sketchily in their native language, while looking at you. (stop smack talking in a language I don't know!)
-people who drive smart cars. You're not smart, you're an unpractical moron who isn't making as big of an impact on the world as the truck thats gonna make an accordion out of your toy car in a matter of seconds
-people who wear tattoo necklaces (so 3rd grade. In the 90s. Get your own trend)
-any creepstar guy that makes noises like he's eating at Ruth's Chris. (for example: mmmmm, DAYum, yeahhh). Go away. You belong at club kryptonite.
-people who don't like water. HUH? It's called hydration. Get some.
-Netflix. If you cancel your subscription, they will harass you with endless emails. I'm about 2 away from a restraining order.
-people who sleep with their closet &/or bedroom door(s) open. SCREW that. I'm too afraid of the boogy man for that ish
-women who don't have their ears pierced & guys who do. There's something very wrong here.
-the wicked witch. I mean obviously! She was wicked, had a huge mole, & needed to go on What Not To Wear with those stockings and shoes, ong
-squirrels. They may seem cute but those potentially rabid little beasts could tear you UP...while gathering acorns
-people who wear a lot of pastels. Especially together. Don't get me started on the frat daddies who think its perfectly acceptable to wear mint green pants with yellow chicks on then with a baby blue button up & a baby pink bowtie. Oh and don't forget he plaid sperries! (shoot me now. Did the Easter bunny vomit on you? What happened? Seriously. WEAR BLACK)
-alarm clocks. By all means never count on one. Biggest mistake of your life. Plan ahead like me and set not one or two, but 4. Youll wake up eventually. You're welcome.

Ok well I can't think anymore now because I'm tired. Goodnight. And sorry for the abruptness

think happy thoughts before you read this. it's for your own good.

SO i've shockingly-yet-awesomely been asked a lot lately (and please excuse my grammar in this strange sentence) (well, actually, if you're the grammar police you can suck it anyways cuz for the most part, that's just annoying)  when i'd write another blog. so HERE YA GO you curious little jokers. I'm baaaaaaaack :) get excited and do the chicken dance. well, preferably the wobble. i love the wobble. it's so fun. and so white-people-friendly due to its nonexistent need for rhythm and supreme dance skills. aka, perfect for me. 


so i was trying to think of a theme for this little post, ya know, in all my free time of PURE AND COMPLETE BOREDOM. well besides the 8 1/2 working hours and commuting time. still plenty of time to be old and bored. which is what i've turned into. it is quite eerie and somewhat disturbing how much my life has changed in recent weeks/months and how fast it all happened. if you know me pretty well, you understand what i mean. 


so back to the theme....i've begun to notice even more that the combination of my lack of patience, easily aggravated factor, almost constant tiredness, outspoken-ness, and sarcastic mind...adds up to make me seem--and maybe be--a total biatch. which yes, i'll admit i can be. but i am also one big bag of totally retarded fun and laughter. but the latter is not really the point. the point is, i figured i'd just bitch it out. but also throw in some childhood references. because if you've yet to make a twitter account...& then follow 90's Girls Problems...you haven't fully experienced life and relived the awesomeness that was our kid years, in the best decade since that of Woodstock...the 1990s.


anyways, let the bitchin begin. DING DING DING! (that's the bell noise they make at wrestling matches)

• well while we're at it, let's just mention wrestling real quick. that is the gayest sport known to man. i don't care what you say. guys putting on spandex outfits and rolling their asses around in each others face for foreverrrrr is GAY. and only the "manliest of all mans" seem to do it, so either a) they're afraid to come out of the closet or b) they sucked at sports that require running, jumping, etc.
• i know i talk about driving a lot, but it's because i drive a lot. and i have intense road rage. but its mainly due to the idiocy of the other people! you will find more maniacs on the interstate between the hours of 7:30 am & 9 am than you would see in an entire day at the mental health place on bull street. just move out of my way if youre driving slow in the fast lane, dont ride my ass--cuz you KNO i dont drive slow, dont ride down the road with your signal on, and dont tap your brakes the entire drive.....& I WILL LIKE YOU & maybe even smile :-) cheeseeee
• you know what's really aggravating? people who talk really slow or repeat themselves 50 times during a conversation. i deal with this alllll theeee timeeee with answering phones at work. i mean i know i talk at "65 miles per hour" according to one old man, but there is no reason to talk "1.4 miles per hour" I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT! or patience. "heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, my     name     is     marrrrrthaaaaaaa.         howwww      areee    youuuuuuuu?" OH. MY. GOD. kill me now. i will probably put you on hold immediately if you start out with that. and then once we get through the hour long introduction, get your appointment set up/changed, questions answered, etc., PLEASE dont launch back into all your explanations again. I DONT CARE. i promise. just please let me off the phone so i can bang my impatient head on the keyboard. and take a chug of diet mountatin dew. wishing there was some alcohol in it. 
• also on that subject, apparently i don't enunciate well. not sure if its a me thing or a lancaster thing (as we all apparently also have "our own accent"...according to outsiders), but people dont understand me. i am called so many different names on a regular basis on the phone. among the list: jamie (well i mean obviously some people get it), jane, janie, jenny, shanie, and the best.....shamie) WHO THE HECK would name their kid SHAMIE? or shanie? dear lord. 

ok i think thats enoughin betchin'. before people start to think i'm a purebred biatch. you know you get frustrated too. i just needed to vent for a second. online. for people to read. but whatever. if  you're reading this...and have lasted to this point.. (HEYY!!)....you obviously arent too disgusted or offended by my negativity. i am a very positive person a lot of the time, believe it or not. maybe tomorrow i'll write a post that's SO positive that your computer radiates SUNSHINE because it's SO happy. yeah, not likely. but whatever. (ps: if your computer does radiate anything, you might wanna get that checked out. and i'd be willing to bet it's a Dell. because Dells suck. i should know. i'm typing on one right now. and hating it with every letter i press. freakin Dell.)

i shall go do something productive and uplifting now. such as watch Scooby Doo. (seriously, it's on tv. and i fully plan on not changing the channel. do. not. hate.) tomorrow i shall carve my pumpkin. my awkwardly awesome pumpkin. i LOVE it. and the little white one i bought. and the even smaller orange one i bought. its like a Motley Crew of pumpkins. i got a little carried away at the pumpkin patch. DONT JUDGE ME, IT WAS FOR A GOOD CAUSE. 

holla. go back to your fun lives now. thank you for taking precious time to read this. if you made it this far. :-)